dirty santa


Dirty Santa (old entry from 2012)

Metaphorically speaking, I am a funambulist. I walk the tight rope between keeping holy and having fun. We all have a little devil in us and I prefer to air mine out on occasion. If I ever get too upright , uptight and fundamental, I fear I will fall over like the great pines that we lost in the last storm. They are stately, but they have no real root system to keep them grounded. An avid gardener, I never wear gloves because I like to get my hands in the dirt, and I like to get dirty every Christmas holiday with a game of Dirty Santa. The benefit of hosting such a party is that, I only have to teeter up to my bed at the end of the night.
Here I take brief pause to introduce my mother. My mother has been living with me for the past ten years. She was at my house when my daughter was born and she witnessed Sati’s introduction into the world. Considering she is my MOTHER, and MY ROOMATE, we get along quite well. The sacrifices my mother faced in her life were sometimes challenging, and the hardships seem more brutal the further into my maternal ancestry I go. But maybe that is another story all together.

My mother never abused drugs, other than a really cute tendency to get tipsy off of a couple glasses of wine. She is the best drunk ever and will swear to you that you are her favorite person and she loves you so much. My mother is also an avid gardener though her landscapes are always more flourishing and lush than mine. After living with me for a couple of years, she tried her green thumb in cannibis cultivation, totally out of curiosity.  Because my mother doesn’t smoke weed, she would save her meager harvest of one plant to a lucky recipient of dirty Santa. It is not always so obvious and my cleverer friends do not make such a big deal of opening a gift of lace panties with a dime bag attached. I imagine there was a lot of TLC in that THC. My husband actually spied her carrying her plant across the yard one year so that it would get optimal sunlight throughout the day.
(By the way, if there are any federal investigators reading my memoirs about gathering, I assure you that she no longer grows any pot here. She no longer lives here in fact, and I have no need for a personal gardener-though after befriending people with cancer and other ailments, I do believe that it can be helpful to some).
Having my mother in attendance for dirty Santa also makes the party more fun, especially if she is cooking one of her Korean feast, but then again that is another story all together. Because she too can let go of the inhibition of having to drive home drunk, we got to see her stumble into the Christmas tree one year, magically unscathed except for two ornaments stuck in her hair.
Again, It is encouraged to not keep the rules too strict in this game. There will always be unusual , fun and really lame gifts in the mix. That is what makes dirty Santa exciting. You get to experience jealously, disappointment or potential delight, and possibly all three emotions simultaneously.
You will find different directions online describing the rules of Dirty Santa. We like to draw numbers. The first person can get the shaft if he/she picks a lame gift as number TWO can either steal the gift or choose to open a new gift. The game continues this way until the end, any gift is capable of being stolen two times, and considered frozen with it’s new owner if it has been stolen twice. The person who has had a gift stolen from them, can not steal back the gift but can choose another person’s gift if it hasn’t become frozen or any opened gifts.

(By the way, if there are any Oscar Box cops reading my blog, the all time favorite Dirty Santa gift was an Oscar Box of movies that none of us had seen, Good thing my brother in law had the where with all to steal a few of the movies out of the box, before the box got stolen from him.)

Dec 20, 2012,
Ho, ho, ho

Festivities start at 6:30 on Saturday.

Bring one unusual gift for under $20-$25 bucks per adult. Hopefully, not some totally stupid, useless gift.

No live animals.

Kids will be locked upstairs.

Elastic waste band recommended.

Also, bring alcohol.

Dirty Santa,

P.s. I am not dirty just because I haven’t showered in a week.

I still have the blue glass bouy hanging in a tree in my woods, a candle holder wire dove hanging from my well and the weird child’s head that serves as a candle holder on my bookshelf. While dirty Santa seems most appropriate to do during the Christmas holiday season, I see no reason why it can’t be done anytime of the year. My girlfriends and I usually do an annual clothes/book swap. Perhaps it could be a rule that everyone has to find something in their house to give away, considering that we could all benefit from less consumerism. While I can’t share my mother with everyone, I assure you that a good old fashion game of dirty Santa will have everyone in good cheer.


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